Captured!

Blogging was something I had never thought about. I wasn't much of a writer too. The funny thing is that I'm surrounded by people that I consider such excellent and artistic writers. When the thought first popped in, I was like "Naah that's not for me." What I truly loved to do was reading and studying the Word. High school gave me an opportunity to share it too and if I'm honest, those were my best moments.

Some weekends I'd be hopping from a Ministry meeting (more of 'fellowship') here, to a small Bible study group there, to a New Converts meeting, and so on. What still amazes me was how God had equipped me for such commitments as those by instilling in me such a passion for His Word, such that I was never caught off guard. I'd have lots of personal Bible study as well...all of which I wrote down in my most treasured notebook collection (currently at Notebook #10 🤭). 

After high school I didn't really have specific plans on what I'll do before campus. Among other things I knew I wanted to dedicate lots of time to reading the Bible (for once without feeling guilty now that my academics were on hold 🤭). God had captured my heart in such a beautiful way. Two months in and He placed it in my heart that I would soon write books (it was shocking! 😲) and gave me the titles of my first three books. I was really puzzled by that because I was only seventeen then (plus, you know, it wasn't supposed to be that serious 🥲).

Part of me was excited about it. The other was in denial (more like a battle between the spirit and the flesh). It was a heated battle that one. The society today has kinda marked out the way a teenager's life should be in the most crude way. From partying, to drinking, to drugs, sex, and all the supposed "pleasures" of youthfulness...it goes on and on. Then there was me (this was sad 😔), planning on writing christian books in the future, waking up early for my devotions. No drinks, no parties, no drugs, not even the slightest contemplation. Just God, His Word, His ways, His will, His everything.

Believe me it took a lot getting there (don't be tempted to call me a holier-than-thou 🙂). I had a willing heart, but it was choked up by the many earthly pursuits that have a way of sucking out the supernatural life of God. Barely three days after getting home from school, I started a seven-day fast. On that first day I made this prayer (exactly as I wrote it in my notebook):

"I rededicate my mind, soul, will and emotions to you Jesus. Let me think only of what you delight in. Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you. Touch me again with the power of your Spirit, that I may die from all that is my own. Take over all of me, and be exalted in my life. I desire to have my mind set only on what the Spirit desires. I want to live in accordance with the Spirit. I believe that when I think of such heavenly things (Philippians 4:8, Colossians 3:1-4), then I too will be with you where you are - seated in the heavenly places. So Jesus, take over. Let me think Jesus, see Jesus, hear Jesus, and talk Jesus. This here is my prayer - Jesus You Alone."

I'm not sure I was fully aware of what that prayer would cost me (that's a dangerous prayer if you ask me 🌚), up until just three days later when it was getting all too uncomfortable. I was literally "torn" - a spirit so willing, but a flesh so weak 😔. My entry that day was something like this:

I feel like I'm being stripped away of all that was "me." My desires and appetites are being ruled out and I can't help but put up a fight. Deep inside I know I'm so willing... I was overjoyed yesterday saying "I'm right here, Lord." Today I feel broken. I'm realizing that I have to lose so much - maybe even everything (funny how I've quoted that Scripture so joyfully - "But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ"). It was easier said. 

So now I'm saying "Yes Jesus - it's You that I want", but then I'm being held back by so much. Right now it's not all joy and merry. I seriously want to come out of this phase but not until I have experienced all that God desires for me in this moment. I know there's so much more ahead. Much as I'm still saying "I'm right here", I know I don't have much to offer. I'm just an empty vessel before my Maker, but I desire that He fills me to overflow. I want to back out so badly but I'm not going to leave. So yeah... I'm torn. I'm only a broken vessel. I have nothing much to offer, but I'm still here Lord. 

I had heard about 'dying to self'. It just had never occurred to me that it was going to be that hard. The Gospel has been presented to us in such a beautiful and appealing way, you know - Christ took the penalty of sin upon Himself... He died so that we could live... It is by Grace we have been saved, not by works... We are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus... He paid it all for us (and it goes on and on). 

All that is true and biblical, but a gospel that's void of "the bitter herbs" is a dangerous one. A gospel whose ingredients are not sufficient in themselves to make one a wholesome christian. It gives a blind eye to the parts that don't tickle our fancy. Jesus, however, makes it plain as day to us: If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. (Luke 9:23 NKJV). 

He died once...we have to face death daily. We have to die so He can live in us. We have to be willing to come to the end of ourselves. It is written:

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John 12:24-25 NIV

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

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Paul captures this so well.

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1Corinthians 15:31 NKJV

I affirm, by the boasting in you which I have in Christ Jesus our Lord, I die daily. 

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Galatians 2:20 NKJV

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. 

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Paul was a man who was completely sold out to God for the advancement of the gospel (Ref: Philippians 1:21-24). He literally gave all of himself for the sake of Christ. It's a hard truth 😔, but it is necessary for wholesome growth in God. After learning all this, I knew I had to make a hard decision. It was either opting out or going all the way in. The in-between was and still is not an option (Revelation 3:15-- I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!)

I had tasted of Him and found Him more valuable than everything else, so I went all the way in. My prayer at that point was that He'd capture my heart. (You might want to listen to 'Captured my Heart' by Minister GUC). People out here do the most in the name of being 'madly in love.' I knew that if I was immersed in His love, I'd go all the way in, not caring about what anyone thought. I know for a fact that He's been doing that ever since ~ capturing my heart a little tight today, a lot tighter tomorrow, and much much tighter every other day after that. (Makes it easier to understand why Paul calls himself 'a prisoner of the Lord' and urges us to live like 'slaves of Christ'. He had been "captured" by God). 

About writing the books, of course I wasn't ready then (still not ready now 🙂). It would mean going all out on a somewhat evangelistic quest - something that made me very uncomfortable. I'm rather reserved, and I love my personal space. Those were some of the excuses that surfaced when He said He'd prepare me for that very thing with blogging as the field. Walking personally with God is a beautiful thing, but I didn't think doing so with others would be as beautiful. (Don't get me wrong though 🙃. I just feared the reproach that comes with bearing the name of Christ before those around me). 

I held back for quite a while, trying to have my way at least in that one thing. Of course His will prevailed, for which I am grateful (otherwise I wouldn't be here 😂🙃). From going all in to going all out 🤭... It takes a heart captured by God's love honestly. Even so, it's no easy thing; I still have to die daily (I'm dying even now as I write all this 🤧).

God is so full of surprises. From impacting the lives of my small circle to finding out there's now a small global family...beats me all the time. My focus was never on the numbers when I began. If it were I'd have stopped doing this long before now. It was and still is on Jesus, who began this great work. There have been fluctuations throughout that one year (it's been quite a year! 😮‍💨), but I'm glad I kept going. More importantly, even when I had burnouts (medical school was also doing a number on me), I kept drawing strength from the wells that never run dry, and was replenished. 

There were times I'd be tempted to belittle all this. I'd be reminded in such moments of the Father's heart. The kind that would leave the ninety-nine just to seek 'the one'. The kind that would give it all up even for one. So, for the sake of that 'one', I went all out too. I invested in this with all my heart, even when I didn't really see the fruit on the other side. 

Another verse that kept me going is this: Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin, to see the plumb line in Zerubbabel's hand. (Zechariah 4:10a NLT). This triggered me in a thousand ways. Who am I to despise what God Himself delights in? Who am I to belittle what God Himself takes great pleasure in? If God thinks this work is beautiful, why then should my opinion or that of others determine whether or not I continue?

That said, I did it all the more. Not for me, but for Him. It was (and still is) my little way of living to and for Him in a way I know how. Not because of anything else, but because His love compels me. Paul would have it as this:

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2 Corinthians 5:14-15 NIV

For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. 

And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.

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The NLT makes it even more relatable: 

Whatever we do, it is because Christ's love controls us. Since we believe that Christ died for everyone, we also believe that we have all died to the old life we used to live. He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live to please themselves. Instead, they will live to please Christ, who died and was raised for them. 

Hard as it is, that less-travelled road of having God's approval above man's is the way we are called upon to live (Galatians 1:10). It may not seem to avail much, but in it there's a great reward. 

That said, I'd like to thank each one of you, my esteemed readers, for believing in me, and for journeying with me this far we have come. It has been an honor and a privilege seeing that in one way or the other there has been impact. It is my hope and prayer that these blogs pointed you not to me, but to God; and that they've awakened in you a desire to seek God more and to grow in the knowledge of Him. I also hope that in every one of them, Jesus was glorified in a beautiful way. Meanwhile, we celebrate the little victories 😊:

This here is my little way of being a faithful witness...first 'in Jerusalem', then 'in all Judea and Samaria', then 'to the ends of the earth'. It's also my little role in establishing 'Thy kingdom come'. It may not be much, but every thread counts in creating that beautiful grand masterpiece. That said, I'm grateful once more to you all for passing this along. This would not be as it is without your contribution ⁠♡⁠♡⁠♡.

Finally, this is an invitation to you all to begin with me yet another year as we grow together in Christ. Truth is, we can't really get to the point of uttermost perfection. What we can do is purpose to make a difference in our walk with God everyday. Showing up for that devotion, reading and meditating on that one Scripture, making that simple prayer, writing down that new thing you've learnt, witnessing to that one soul, leaving that old habit. It's these little things that help build you up in God (not necessarily some supernatural occurrence 🙂). 

In all these things, remember, it's not these "works of righteousness", that make you sinless. It is and always will be Christ's finished work on the cross that makes you righteous in God. In any case, my decision to go all the way in didn't make me live a sin-free life. In fact, every day I get to discover just how imperfect I am before such a perfect God. What happens is that even then, I draw closer to Him, that the Holy Spirit may continually cleanse and sanctify me. 

At first I was greatly dismayed by this. It was then that I discovered that even in Scripture, everyone who encountered God in His Glory had a sudden realization of the greatness of their sin (Isaiah 6:1-5; Luke 5:8). In many other encounters with God people fell face down, trembling because of how majestic He is, and worshipped Him. It amazes me that even the twenty-four elders in heaven fall down and lay their crowns before the throne of God, singing of the splendor of His holiness (Revelation 4:9-11). 

I'm saying all this to try and eliminate the false idea that this is but a show of moral superiority. In any case, every time I edge closer and God reveals Himself anew, I'm baffled by my own shortcomings. Even so, He is kind enough to let me keep walking with Him day by day; beholding Him in His Word, and being transformed into His image and likeness. More importantly, one who has truly encountered God is supposed to be more like Jesus - a humble, lowly servant. It's why numerous though Paul's achievements were, he still says:

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1Corinthians 15:9-10 NIV 

For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them--yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 

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Elsewhere;

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1Timothy 1:15-16 NIV

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners--of whom I am the worst.

But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.

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None of us is an exception to this. We all have our flaws. All have sinned. None is righteous. None is holy. Only Jesus, God's only son, has been made perfect. Better still, He is able to save completely those who come to God through him, because he always lives to intercede for them. (Hebrews 7:25 NIV)

That said, it's my hope and prayer that we'll all purpose to draw nearer to Him. As for me, I am so thankful for God's Grace this far. He has truly been my Stone of Help. I pray for the grace to continue abiding in Him and in His love, and to keep going all out for Him in whatever way He pleases. I submit to His work in me, not just today, but till Christ be formed in me.