ALL THIS SADNESS?

Friday 28th February 2025, 0553hrs...

"This is the day the LORD has made;

we will rejoice and be glad in it."

I’ve been trying to choose joy; God knows I have. To rejoice as Scripture commands. To choose to be glad and actually stick to that plan. But why is it so hard? Why does it feel impossible? Why has the darkness and enveloped me so? It feels like I'm caught in a net - entangled in a web of sadness. Each time I try to crawl out, something trips me, and I fall right back in.

I want to be joyful; God knows how much I need it. I genuinely love those moments I’m beside myself with joy – when life feels light and full of color. But why does the joy dissipate so quickly? Three days ago I was over the top with such ecstasy. Now I am as one who is lifeless.

Why is it so hard, Lord? Why is joy so out of reach? All of life’s worries and uncertainties have plagued my poor heart and mind, and I can't help but sink deeper and deeper into this abyss. For what more can I do?

I prayed. I cried out to You. I told You everything. I asked for peace, Lord - that it may shield my heart and mind from this plague - from this darkness. But it didn’t come. The sadness still has a hold on me. And it pains me that the prayer didn't make it go away. So I'm letting myself sink. I'm letting the sadness win. I'm letting myself become one with it. And it hurts - it hurts deeply.

Why is it so hard for me - this call to rejoice? In any case it’s working quite the opposite effect in me… I have grumbled in discontentment. I have murmured. I have sulked in the shadows, away from the rest of Your people. I have been as one who is mourning the loss of an only child.

But isn’t it true that I have lost something dear to me? I have lost the fruit of the Spirit that bears my name. How can I even claim to have ever borne that name? Isn’t it better if I ask, like Naomi in the Bible, that You call me Mara?

•

•

•

Lord, the pangs of sadness are threatening to tear me up and choke the hope of living out of me. The darkness grips me very fiercely and menacingly. Quite frankly I’m too weak to wriggle myself out of its hold. I’m sinking deeper and deeper into its teeth. Soon I’ll be swallowed up into the abyss. Into the doorways of hell. Won’t You rescue me?

Lord, teach my heart to rejoice in You. Help me find pleasure in beholding all that You have made - the works of Your hands are wonderful; that I know that full well. Fill me with joy Lord, and lift this darkness. Flush out the sadness hidden in the crevices of my heart. I want to rejoice. I want to be glad. I want to embody the fruit of the Spirit that bears my name. Fill me with joy Jesus. Fill me with joy.

•

•

•

Saturday 1st March 2025, 1236hrs...

"Still I cried out to You, Lord God.

I shouted for mercy, saying,

'what would You gain in my death,

if I were to go down to the depths of darkness?

Will a grave sing Your song?

How could death’s dust declare Your faithfulness?’’’

So many emotions are still plaguing my poor heart and mind. Lord, help me not to be completely downcast. I’ve been calling - crying out to You for help. Why have You kept silent? 

Doesn’t Scripture bid us to draw near to You? Doesn’t it assure us that You will draw near to us? Why then have You been so far away? Why didn’t You answer when I called? Why have You left me here? Why do You keep silent?

Lord, I’m tired. I want to come home now. Please take me home - even if only for a little while. Let something happen to me, for I dare not lay a finger on this precious life You’ve given me.

In the midst of all this turmoil, two things I know for sure: 

I love You Lord. And I will always love You

You love me Lord. Surely You love me!

I may be as one who is dead right now, but Your love is what is fueling whatever’s left of my pulse. Please sustain me Lord. Strengthen and uphold me Jesus. Don’t let me fall Lord. Don’t let me stumble...

I don't know how to end this. 

I still wish You'd call me home. 

I want to come home...

•

•

•

Next in this series: A Whirling Dance!