INTO THE SHADOWS: A Melancholic called Joy

It’s hard to tell when the darkness began caving in... when the cloud of sadness descended on me and enveloped the little gladness I thought I had. One moment I was beside myself with joy. Next thing I know, all had turned bleak. The sorrow cared little that my name is Joy. In any case, it seemed to make mockery of me: How can joy be sad?

Twice I have been asked to speak on Joy to different class fellowships, and if I’m honest I was a little hesitant to heed the call. Joy doesn’t exactly come naturally for me. My personality leans melancholic: thoughtful, deep in feeling and prone to introspection. This past year, I have wrestled with the tension between my name and my personality. This piece (and the ones to come) is my attempt to live in that space honestly – where the call to rejoice meets the ache of real emotion.

I must admit - it’s a little scary sitting behind my pen after such a long time and exposing myself like this. All my pieces in times past have been written on my best days. Perhaps that is why they were full of spiritual insights and rather preachy 🙃.

This may be why I thought it a little strange to broadcast such scenes of spiritual ''failure’’ on a blog I consider sacred ~ one meant to glorify my King. But the psalmists made a pretty good case on why I need not shy away. They do not rationalize anger away or give abstract advice about pain; they express emotions vividly and loudly, directing their feelings primarily at God. They supply me with the words that I need - and sometimes the ones I dare not say - to my God. The Psalmists speak for me. 

Through their writings I felt a little less alone. Their pain was a gift to me because it was given to God. Their sorrow was a light in my darkness, a flicker of hope in my despair.

So I thought: if this too is what God asks of me - my pain and my weakness – then I will do well to give it to Him. After all, all I have is already His. My life is His to do with as He wills. If my pain, my sorrow, my weakness and my regrets are what He wants to use as an instrument in His hand, who am I to oppose Him?

As you would imagine, I’ve been a little hard on myself for not getting it together. The perfectionist in me made me believe I was failing God and the people around me; that I was worse than the Israelites when they kept murmuring in the wilderness. Before this I probably judged them in my Bible reading… How could they be so ungrateful?

Yet there I was... Grumbling for days on end. Wallowing in my own helpless thoughts. Angry and bitter towards God for not taking it all away. I wasn’t any better than them to say the least. I wasn’t any less of a man than they were.

But God!! In His limitless patience and unending love He stuck with me. He sat in the darkness with me. He bore the depths of my disappointment, my confusion, my doubt, my anger and my sorrow. He bore my laments against Him. And He still does⁠ ⁠♡♡⁠♡.

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Now the shadows are stirring.
Would you lean in and listen?

I cried out to God for help,
I cried out to God to hear me.
When I was in distress, I sought the LORD;
at night I stretched out untiring hands
and I would not be comforted.

I remembered You, God, and I groaned
I meditated, and my spirit grew faint. 
You kept my eyes from closing,
I was too troubled to speak.

I thought about the former days,
the years of long ago.
I remembered my songs in the night
My heart meditated and my spirit asked,

"Will the LORD reject forever?
Will He never show His favor again?
Has His unfailing love vanished forever?
Has His promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has He in anger withheld His compassion?’’

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Next in this series: All This Sadness?