WHEN SORROW SINGS

I begin with a quote:

“To whom do you vocalize the most intense, irrational, inarticulate anger? Would you do so with someone who could fire you out of a cherished position or relationship? Not likely. You don’t trust them – you don’t believe they would endure the depths of your disappointment, confusion, doubt… The person who hears your lament and far more bears your lament against them, paradoxically, is someone you deeply, wildly trust… the language of lament is oddly the shadow side of faith.’’ ~ Dan Allender

I’ve been a little hesitant about sharing these next journal entries as they are because it felt like there was no point to them. No hope beyond the sighs. No joy beyond the sorrow. No light beyond the shadows. I thought that maybe my faith would be seen as weak and unsteady.

But once again, the psalmists reminded me that I can rightfully bring to God whatever I feel. That I need not paper over my failures or try to clean up my own rottenness. They too wrestled with God over every facet of their lives, and in the end, it was the very act of wrestling that proved their faith.

I too need not be ashamed for having had it out with God. It is this very act of wrestling that proves my faith. My laments to Him, disordered and difficult though they be, are a testament of a living faith in Him. Though tucked away in the shadows, it is faith nonetheless. Wild, crazy faith.

I guess all I’m saying is, it’s okay to have it out with God. He can handle it ⁠♡⁠‿⁠♡.

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Sunday 30th March 2025, 1705hrs…

Lord, I’ve been hurting. It’s been much, and the sorrow’s been threatening to swallow me whole. I’ve been trying not to give in to it, but it’s winning me over. It’s winning me over, Lord, and I don’t know what to do. Please help me Lord… I need Your help.

Tuesday 1st April 2025, 0534hrs…

Lord, the sadness is much. The despair is overwhelming. I can’t seem to break free from its shackles. There's no more strength within me, Lord. I'm too tired to fight. Too weak to try and have some faith, some hope... some joy. I've cried out to You, Lord. I've been honest about how I feel and where I am. I've tried to wait on You. Lord I've given my all, but it doesn't seem to be enough.

Lord I'm stuck. I'm stuck, and there seems to be no way out, unless of course You make one. I don't know what to do or how to move on from here. Lord I'm crippled. Would You please come to my aid and help me? I love You, and I've seen You do amazing things for me before... But now I don't have the inner strength to just take that one step. There's no light even for that first step. In the words of a dear friend:

Oh, help me, God.

Hell has come to my doorstep.

Wednesday 2nd April 2025, 0824hrs...

I'm sitting here and all I can think of (especially after the confirmation that I'll be speaking this Friday on Joy) is that You're not even trying to be good. I know I shouldn't think such thoughts, but it feels quite unfair - almost sarcastic - that You'd call me to speak on the very thing I'm struggling with. (Well I know You've also been keen on teaching me, but I've been rather slow in learning).

I know that it's all for Your glory and for my good, but why do You make it so difficult? Why does it suddenly feel so impossible? Deep down I know that You're good and faithful in all Your ways, but sometimes it's a little hard to wrap my mind around that.

The pain in my heart, the sorrow and agony all seem to keep gnawing at me…they’ve refused to go away. It’s frustrating, Lord, and I’ve done everything I know how to do. Why won’t it go away? Why does the pain linger in my heart and the wound fester despite my attempts to make it go away?

Hold me fast, Lord. Please hold me fast. I’ve reached the end of my rope. I’ve exhausted my store of endurance. My strength has failed yet the day has barely begun. I’ve reached the end of my hoarded resources, Lord. Would You please supply all that I need? Would You please be my Stone of Help?

Wednesday 2nd April 2025, 2014hrs…

The sting of loss has been so real, almost palpable. I happened to bump into a few poems that definitely lighten the load. I’ve been reminded to call on the God who hears my cries to Him. My EVER-PRESENT help in a time of need. I’d want to echo part of that poem as my prayer today ♡.

Be near me when my light is low

Be near me when my faith is dry

Be near me when I fade away

Oh Lord, please Be near me!

Friday 11th April 2025, 1651hrs…

My heart is tender, Lord. The pain won’t go away. It hurts, Lord. It hurts DEEPLY. I feel like I’m walking around with a thousand tons of weight deep inside my chest. It’s heavy, Lord. I don’t think I can hold it in much longer.

I’m still learning to embrace You through it all, albeit a little slower than I’d like. All through it I’m wondering, “Is it supposed to be this difficult? Why is it not getting any easier?’’ I keep rising only to fall back down again. I don’t know what to do, Lord. The world around me hasn’t even paused a little bit to wait for me to get back on my feet. It’s frightening, Lord. It’s really frightening.

My anxieties seem to be rising above me – above my faith in You. The waves toss me about as they please. I’m not sure that my anchor still holds. Lord, I need help. I don’t want to drown. I don’t want to sink. Please pull me out of these murky waters and into Your loving arms, Your warm embrace. I need You Lord. Please don’t let me fall. Please don’t let me sink.

Sunday 23rd March 2025, 1351hrs…

(in order to fulfil the Scriptures :), the first became last. I think it makes a wonderful clincher ♡♡⁠♡).

I searched inside the depths of my afflictions -

Only the darkness that plagued my soul stared back.

Then I cried out:

“Why have You abandoned me so?

Did You not say,

‘I will never leave you’?

You have forsaken me hence -

To whom do I turn now?’’

Oh my soul, lift up your eyes;

Oh my soul, consider how much He loves you!

Oh my soul, consider His works -

Remember the wonders He has done,

His miracles of long ago.

Oh my soul, would you put your hope in Him?

Oh my soul, would you trust Him?

Oh my soul, find rest in Him alone,

For you will yet praise Him -

Your joy and your delight,

Your Saviour and your God!

***

Psalm 62:5-8 NIV

Yes, my soul, find rest in God;

my hope comes from Him.

Truly He is my rock and my salvation;

He is my fortress, I shall not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

He is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in Him at all times, you people;

pour out your hearts to Him,

for God is our refuge.

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Next in this series: El Simchah Giyl: God My Exceeding Joy