WHAT IF?

The year was 2022. It was the first I toyed—really toyed—with that question. What if He doesn’t? Up until then, I had never grappled with tough questions in my faith. I bet I wasn’t even aware that it was okay to have them.

I had been taught and reminded countless times to believe in God for all that He is and can do. I had learnt to push aside the what-ifs, labelling them ‘seeds of doubt’. I never once paused to consider the possibility that sometimes… He just might not.

And if that happened—what then?

***

The date was 27^th March. Sunday afternoon. I had just 5 days left until the end of my KCSE examinations. I was seated under a tree in Jevanjee while the rest of the school was having lunch on the other side. I was trying to prepare a sermon for the Bible study fellowship later that evening, but nothing was forthcoming.

It was then that the questions crept in and refused to go away. What if He doesn’t? What if He says no? What if He takes everything away?

I was forced to question whether my faith in God was built on who He is, or merely on what He does. If there was nothing to show for it, would I still believe? If He chose not to answer my prayers according to my expectations, would I still love Him? What would my confession be? Would I still praise Him? If I stood to gain nothing, would I still serve Him? Would my faith still stand?

All these and many more questions weighed heavily on my heart. It wasn’t long before I was in tears. It was slowly dawning on me that being in Christ doesn’t really guarantee me a pain-free life here on earth. Being a child of God doesn’t mean that God will automatically answer all my prayers the way I want Him to. So I was left wondering, if following Him is no longer convenient, will I still choose Him?

As you can already tell, that was exactly what I shared later that evening with my fellow form fours. It was a hard sermon, especially because we were still doing our final exams. It forced us to dig deeper, look inward and question the very foundations of our faith. I wasn’t particularly happy about being the one to break the cycle of the many powerful, faith-inspiring and feel-good sermons we’d been accustomed to as we approached the exams. But it had to be done. And I’m glad it was.

***

The year is now 2026. I have seen many things, grappled with many questions, and lived through several disappointments with God. The what-ifs are no longer hypothetical questions—they are lived experiences.

Many are the times I’ve had to hold on to God with trembling hands and a wounded heart. Many are the times I’ve had to choose to keep believing even when my feelings dictated otherwise. Many are the times I’ve had to trust God even when I did not understand what He was doing. And I still do.

It's no longer a matter of what-if, but the steady confession of even if. I have learnt that above all else, God is God. And because He is God, He does whatever He pleases. He stands alone, and none can oppose Him.

I have learnt to stay the course even when my heart wants to turn away. I have learnt to keep loving, serving, and trusting Him even when it feels like I stand to gain nothing. And, as Spurgeon once said, I have learnt to kiss the waves that throw me against the Rock of Ages.

More importantly, I have learnt that God does not owe me anything. I, on the other hand, owe Him everything.

I have pored over the book of Job again and again, and each time I marvel at his response when everything was taken away. How is it that he fell to the ground and worshipped God? How is it that he simply says “The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away”? How come he didn’t charge God with wrongdoing?

I must admit—my first response hasn’t always been like Job’s. I have charged God with wrongdoing—I, a fallen creature. Who gave me the idea that I was the judge on the Bench and God the accused in the Dock? And what made me think I could claim anything I have as being ‘rightfully mine’? When did I suddenly become God? What effrontery!

Now I know my place. God is in charge; I am not. I am the clay; He is the Potter. I am the disciple; He is my Lord. I am the sheep; He is my Shepherd. I am the servant; He is my Master. I am but a finite being. He, on the other hand, is the King eternal, immortal, invisible.

Now I know that I don’t give God the script. It is not my prerogative to dictate the parameters of His plan or the details of His response to my prayers. That is not mine to do.

The LORD is God, and His plans and reasons are deeper and higher and broader than I can comprehend. In Charles Swindoll’s words (from his book Job: A Man of Heroic Endurance):

God’s purpose is unfolding—I cannot hinder it.

God’s plan is incredible—I may not comprehend it.

God’s way is best—I must not resist it.

The thought of God’s ‘no’ isn’t as frightening as it once was. The what-ifs no longer cripple me. Now I know that even if I stand to gain nothing, I will still serve Him. I will still love Him. I will still choose Him.

Don’t get me wrong—it’s no easy thing. But it can be done.

God is worthy of my devotion, of my love, of my whole life. He owes me nothing. I, on the other hand, owe Him everything. Oh, that I may give Him all!

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With love, 

(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡.